..More women engrossed in making up and investing in cosmetics,
could be the effects of the rising stats of Domestic violence... every woman knows at least two to three women suffering from domestic violence...
A woman is who
she is because she owns a heart that absorbs love from others, amplifies it in
her heart and channels it back to those around her. Also, Psychologists agree
that a woman is like a reservoir. You are going to get what you pump into it,
only in an hundred fold. What
makes a home blissful is because a woman is holding it together.
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| An average Nigerian male adult was likely raised in a home, compound or neighbourhood where domestic violence was part of everyday living. |
Especially, at
this time of recession in the Nigerian economy, the quarter of a litre of Palm
Oil is now sold at 200 Naira. Without a raise in salary coupled with her
anxiety, it is a miracle that women still have it together. What is needed, where
to buy what is needed, how many days till it’s consumed, how to avoid malnutrition
in the family without spending excessively -the state of her mind can be
likened to a President running a government. In spite of these every day Homematics the husband thinks the best
way to fizzle out his frustration is to pulverise his wife with clenched fists.
The terrible
life experiences married women share would make you cringe then barf. Fragments
of scenes begin to piece itself in one’s wondering mind; it sinks in slowly
that most married women wearing dark glasses are not really catching up with
latest fashion trends -a black eye need to be under dark mafia-like shades.
That woman with a long curly weavon
across part of her face doesn’t want to be asked who painted her eye black. The
woman you were scheduled to meet who cancelled all her appointments abruptly
was avoiding breaking down in tears before you. More women engrossed in making
up and investing in cosmetics, could it be the effects of the rising stats of Domestic
violence? My personal observation shows that almost every woman knows at least
two to three women suffering from domestic violence.
Haven't you
noticed? Domestic violence is the new norm. During the passage of time more
women can successfully hide their inward wounds and outward scars from
relatives and close associates -This being the most psychologically
traumatising aspect. A study has shown that women suffering domestic abuse
would likely deny it when asked by someone close. They feel their honour and
that of the husband’s (abuser) is at stake, she cut contacts with friends and
family as a strategy to protect the honour of her home.
Domestic
violence operates systematically like an aggressive cancer. It gradually breaks
down a woman’s body and robs her of any physical beauty. Today she is nursing
her bruises, tomorrow her scars, the next stitching up knife cuts, soon she is
visiting the orthopaedists with dislocated joints, hips and fractured nose. She
is never out of tissue paper to wipe bleeding nose. She is always in need of
balm to soothe body pain. Simultaneously it (#domesticviolence) grabs her imaginations;
she lives constantly in fear, fear of death, fear of dark shadows, fear of
leaving and living and fear of pleasing her abuser. Finally it all comes to the
psychological recourse; she crucifies herself. Did I make the wrong decision
marrying him? I should have been careful, I should have predicted this. This
has been going on for a while I could be the cause, I get him angry, If I open
this up to anyone I will betray him, I will get him in trouble. This last stage
is much more deadly than the previous two because the woman is taking
responsibility for her own abuse thereby abusing herself in the process.
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| Domestic violence operates systematically like an aggressive cancer |
These thoughts
are capable of nearly driving women into insanity leaving them emotionally
broken to reciprocate the love of others especially their children (who are
essentially in need of it). They become more reclusive as they try to find
answers to no avail by subconsciously doing constant soul searching.
She begins
to forget things easily, she forgets that Junior needs a diaper change or there
is a pot on the burning stove. She is
almost insensitive to her environment, evidence that she is letting go of
herself and her womanhood. Domestic Violence is a reaper; it snatches away the
life of the abused slowly until she is no longer interested in her marriage,
her children and in her existence. She just wants to die.
What is responsible
for domestic violence? How does a loving husband lose sight of the beauty he
competed for, wooed, threw a lavish wedding for and brought home into his life
as his wife? Psychologists and Psychiatrists believe that domestic violence is a result of the battle for both control
and supremacy over the other partner. In Nigeria, you hear solemn protests
as "Don't you know I am the man of the house?" or "Don't you
know I am a man?" it is barely news that a man could be addressing another
married woman that way. Either ways that assertion is always a resort to
immediately establish the basis of male supremacy and control over the woman.
That moment of barking out orders and yelling is called the Tension Building Phase which if
not dealt with in skill would lead to violence. It is appalling, the statistics
of domestic violence in Nigeria is nothing to write about.
However, in
my opinion I do not think that Domestic violence is a result of a battle for control and
supremacy, at least in Nigeria (those are the branches) I think it is simply
what it is, the feeling of Insecurity. The buck must stop at our traditional
beliefs on leadership and its roles. Yes traditional beliefs, where being
afraid or terrified of your dad is a sign that you are well cultured and
respectful. Where the leaders are never wrong -In Yoruba culture the elderly cannot
be held responsible for lying. Leaders are always right no matter the effects
of their actions. Leaders are compensated for both good and errors as a sign of
honorary gestures, and no, they never get their hands dirty, they delegate and
supervise. Men don’t discuss they dictate and violence is one effective means
to establish authority. A Nigerian would readily admit that is how the country
is run across all socio-political strata.
We grew up
in homes and communities where men seldom invest time to cultivate relationship
with their wife and kids. Where being romantic is a sign of weakness in males
and a lady's worth is ONLY tied up to how neat and sweet smelling the kitchen
is. Coupled with the fact that an average Nigerian male adult was likely raised
in a home, compound or neighbourhood where domestic violence was part of everyday
living. If we put that into statistics it is going to be very scary since
children exposed to domestic violence tend to be abusers themselves, in
adulthood.
Perhaps for
the Whites it (domestic violence) is a battle of Control primarily but for us
(Nigerians) it is a traditional thing -religious leaders and circles are not
free from this vice of traditionalised mind-set of women. That is why several women
who reported domestic violence to the Nigerian Police hear them saying, “it is a family affair. Go and settle it at
home.” While it is yet the primary purpose of all government institutions
as enshrined in the constitution to secure lives and that means of those in
family settings too.
We would not
get much done if we think that domestic violence is a new normal, rather it is
the same old wine passed into new bottles across each generations of Nigerian
family. So, rather than treat this menace as an act we would do well treating
it as an infectious dogma entwined with our traditions. Instead of building
more prisons to cage criminals it is far safer investing time orientating the
society –to rid the mind from criminality before the actual act.
What we can
do far outweighs the damage done. There is hope though it takes us through a
path of enduring suffering, a hope we might not attain but we can secure for
our children. By changing the status quo we are going to change the future, yes
for our children.
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| A woman should raise her son to become the man she would have loved to marry |
Every man
and woman raising their kids particularly the male child must grasp the reality
that there can be no prosperity without the woman (and children) being
emotionally stable, physically capable and socially balanced. A woman should
raise her son to become a man she would have loved to marry. The man should
demonstrate to his son how to treat a lady, teach his daughter what it means
for a man to love his wife.
Our world is
defined by violence, all over the world it is circulated in movies and video
games which our children are exposed to. We need to detox the mind of the
younger generation by being deliberate and practical raising them up. We owe
our children as much as that.
Here are few
parenting tips, be free to add to your list:
1. Dialogue
Introduce
your son to dialogue. Report shows that "Males are less the initiator of
discussions and they often suppress their emotions.” This results in bottling
issues up and some day they are going to use their fist to let it out. So get
your male kids to discuss what bothers them and how they think you can help.
This gives insight into their minds and capabilities (capable of) helping you
to make corrections from early stages.
2. Strength for protection
An average male child is aware and very
conscious of his physical strength. He has to understand that the strength he
wields is not so he can hit his sibling particularly females in or outside the
home. His strength must be channelled to defend them, support and provide for
them.
3. Responsibility
is leadership
You need to
teach your son leadership in a defined and detailed manner. First, being male
means others comes before you and that is leadership. Male is leadership, being
a leader means he gets his hands dirty working and not sitting around playing
video games when there are chores to be done.
4. Theme of Respect
Teach your
son what respect means and how to act in that capacity towards women e.g. never
do anything to diminish a woman’s worth or esteem, highly regard them no matter
the attitude of others towards women. He should never be verbally abusive,
always be conscious of the difference in bodily structure; which does not
represent weakness but honour. He should never rough handle a lady to prove his
point. It is ok to disagree because people are entitled to their own beliefs.
He should be compassionate in his interaction with the opposite sex.
5. Appreciation
Your son
should recognise and appreciate the kind gestures of a lady starting from
within the home. When he gets home and the mom open the door and takes his bag,
he should be grateful and say, “Thank You.” When his sister calls him to the
dining table, he should acknowledge the kind gesture by saying something of
this sort, “Thanks sis, you are just so sweet.” He should use compliments and
esteem women beginning from the home circle.
6. Accountability
There is
nothing manly in a man who can’t be held accountable for his actions. Being a
man is apologising when you are wrong, even when you don’t feel like it or when
you have to apologise to a woman. To be willing to make amends when possible or
necessary does not reduce the dignity of manhood.
7.
Representation Of Values
Your son
should note and maybe, let it be written and placed on a wall in His room
values you want him to emulate. Pictures are powerful ways to project values,
goals and visions. Ultimately, you become what you see or read, let moral
values and life principles be written around the house. It is a powerful tool
in conveying the values to emulate.
8. Self-Discipline
In the case
of provocation by females, he should not reply both or either with a violent
display or verbal abuse. He should move away from the scene, take a moment to evaluate
his next line of action or simply report the matter to an elder around. This
will help him build self-control and discipline over emotional issues like
anger.
9. Tell God
Pray, pray
and pray. Prayer is for all seasons of a man’s life. Bring your children in
prayer to God and teach them how to deal with their hurts and challenges
through prayer therapy.
10. Double
Standards
This is the
last not because it is insignificant but very important if you are going to successfully
raise your children. Live out these examples before your kids. Don’t tell your
kids not to scream out the opposite sex while you are culpable. Your kids need
you to walk before them, be bold and take the lead.
Who says
parenting is easy? It is not but it is doable. This is an investment to secure
the future of our children. Even if we can’t get there with them, we sure can
rest well in our graves knowing we gave them a gift so much precious, gift
which we might not have –having peace in the four walls of their marriages. If
every parent is committed not only to giving birth but raising their chaps
perhaps in the near future, particularly in Nigeria domestic violence would
never be a trending topic.
Point
your kids in the right direction — when they're old they won't be lost.
Proverbs 22:6 Msg
Finally, don’t get so occupied with work that you are not able
to check on your female friends who are faced with domestic violence. Who knows
if that call might thwart a suicide or homicide? Reach out when you don’t hear
from them, drop a message or do a quick visit (a drop by). Let them know that
someone is still holding on to them. We are all we've got. Don’t just read
this, share with and cheer up that friend today. Right now!
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