Wisdom said, If you cannot die for your spouse, if you are not willingly to die to keep your marriage, don't venture into marriage...
Dear reader, I am about to write some of the most difficult things and raise as well couple of difficult questions which I ask myself about divorce and marriage. How to approach this seem complex and how to end it seem far more complex but these are my reflections.
I wonder what is hard about the whole concept of divorce. Is it trying out new roles of being a stranger to the same person you once lived together under the same roof? In the same room, you shared same bed and toilet? Your husband becomes your EX and your wife adds that prefix to her former role. You run across each other in the parking lot, supermarket or across the streets and you greet yourselves "Hi" or exchange quick eye glances and go separate ways. What was your feelings saying when you heard that your wife/husband (Ex) remarries. Are you haunted by flashes of pictures of your ex having sex with a new partner? Which of these comes easy to process?
The kids are brought into this ambiguity of roles. They have either two dads (Dad and step dad) or two moms (Mom and step mom). It gets more complicated when the adults play mind games on the kid(s) to garner favour to their side because of child custody. With that comes limited access to the child you brought into the world, you have to go through formal channels to access your kid(s) -maybe to take a walk or eat out together. Else, you could be accused of kidnapping your kid(s). Which of these comes easy?
You try to live up to the reality that a court ruling of the dissolution of your marriage means a new beginning, a fresh start but it isn't true and you know it when the light fades at night and you are all alone in the dark quiet. The memory of your EX (good or bad) still linger in your mind. You wish it didn't but you can't help it, he/she was once part of your life and a part of you still belongs to him/her.
Then comes the doubt crushing on your conscience like a storm blasting against the sail when you wonder if divorce was the solution, if things could have worked out fine by engaging in frequent dialogue or if you had been patient. You think about the good times with your EX and it made you break a smile until you remember you need to get over him so you quickly frowned. Your kid(s) ask about their dad your ex, you watch them suffer emotionally and you blame yourself for their suffering. How easy does this sound?
Soon a dark fear emerge within you, you are uncertain if you remarry it may end in divorce, because your just dissolved marriage had a pretty good start till you were caught in the middle. That fear torments you, isolates you, bring you to the valley of depression until you are not even capable of relevance in your relationship with your kid(s) or others. Your beauty fades away and you slowly creep into oblivion.
Then I ponder on a young lady sitting on a wooden bench somewhere alone. She wondered if divorce will make her problems go away, just vanish like a disappearing cloud. She loves her husband but he is irrational and self opinionated. She is hurting and it almost seem to her that marriage is a Death Trap. Things have fallen below them for couple of months, now to be a year, and there is just so much pain and suffering you just don't know what to say to her.
Then you remember that God hates divorce but the husband is given to violence. You reflect if for "Better and Worse" are just two opposite words we chant when two opposite sex are before the pulpit with so much adrenaline coursing through them. You question under your breathe "You seem a nice lady, how did you meet your husband? He is so different and rather intolerant."
Then wisdom comes to your rescue and reveal the critical aspects of joining your life to another. Wisdom says, "A marriage going through turbulent times is indeed hard for everyone but divorce is harder still."
Challenges requires team effort to solve even when we don't appear or agree as a team. Divorce makes you a quitter. Though opting for divorce is a tough decision but keeping your marriage is the toughest decision anyone can make.
Before we bind our lives together and make the solemn commitment of "For better and for worse till death do us apart..." it is well in our control to choose who we say the words to.
Wisdom asked me, "Are you willing to tolerate the WORSE of the person you are now calling sweet names? The one you call every minute and it seem you can't do without, can you put up with his/her annoying side? Can and will you love the Grey sides of him? Are you capable of putting up with him when he is angry and sound annoying before you say "I do"?
Wisdom continued, There is nothing that holds a man and woman firmly together than the reverencing of the one that instituted marriage. Love for one another will be tested and many times saying 'I love you' to your partner is not consistent with your actions. But a godly spouse is bound by God to keep her marriage and ensue its unity and peace.
You would wake up to days there is nothing to love in your husband as a woman but there will always be the love of God guiding you that "Even while you were a sinner Christ died for you" and He wants you to endure all the worse till your spouse finally understand that Love is stronger than death.
There is no error too great it can't be forgiven. You are called into a higher realm of commitment in your marriage than any other relationship you have with humans. You cannot take the easy route of divorce, you can but then you can't, love constrains us. As I stood to go, Wisdom left an imprint on my heart, a solemn warning,
"If you cannot die for your spouse, if you are not willingly to die to keep your marriage, don't venture into it. You must count the cost. Open your eyes and heart, sit down and weigh one of the greatest decision of your life."
For better for worse are not words we say but a VOW. It is not a vow you say to your partner but a vow you say to God that you'll not give up on your spouse and marriage. You are saying your spouse and marriage is worth dying for and you'll never let go till you lose your last breath. You are saying no court ruling is capable of ever separating you from your partner except death, death alone. For what is joined together before God, no man or judge, no court or government with all its powers is capable of breaking its bonds. He that had bound you as husband and wife is greater than the world and in His hands lies the cords.
When I left Wisdom at the park of reflections I became wiser and instructed, then I trembled more about the marriage commitment.
Footnote:
Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. Proverbs 10:12
He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends (and marriage). Proverbs 17:9
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren (and our partner). 1 John 3:16
We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother (and partner) abideth in death. 1 John 3:14
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