Do people change in marriage or does marriage change people? How does change occur in marriage? What kind of change do we dread in marriage?
No doubt young people are scared of getting married. It seem "Mission Impossible" to think about marriage without our hearts beating at a fast rate or without some level of panic. Such fear has drastically risen in many singles of this time and age. I think that is a product of the high rate of broken marriages, and lives that comes out of such marriages. Do people change in marriage or does marriage change people? The question is like asking "The chicken or an egg, which one comes first?". Perhaps the question should be, how does change occur in marriage? What kind of change do we dread in marriage? I believe what we see in marriage is not more of a change happening but a change that has always been there.
A sweet and loving woman got married to an impulsive man. A perfectionist marries a clumsy woman. But how is it the woman never knew her husband had an impulsive trait? Why was the senses of the perfectionist dulled to marry a clumsy wife? Or what made them believe their spouses' flaws won't affect their marriage relationship? What roused hope in them that the impulsive and clumsy would change in the confines of marriage? All these are critical questions for a rational mind.
An angry man and a clumsy woman are a depot of circumstances and decisions that had shaped them in the process of time. It cannot be turned on or off like they would wish. That is a behavioral trait inside or outside of marriage.
At first marriage seem to be devoid of challenges and any coloration because we love. The feeling of infatuation releases other feelings like tenderness and care; all these temporarily submerge who we truly are and how we see people for who they are. Because you love someone you invest hope in Him/her. Because we are infatuated and excited about someone, we see perfection amidst their flaws. We have found a powerful ecstasy to pull us out of our prejudiced mindset, submerging our judgemental personality. A dirty woman would keep herself and tidy her room in expectation of someone she truly loves. A proud man would bow his knees to the woman she adores and help her put her shoe on.
Naturally humans are attracted to the new and that is the reason romance is such a powerful medicine for couples. But when familiarity bear its toll on us and fatigue creeps in through that door, we lose that infatuation, that feeling of excitement, the value for our partner depreciates. Intimacy suffers, the feeling of tolerance turn frustration and its grows into anger and resentment. You begin to notice those things you never really cared about, although they were glaring in your husband/wife from the inception of your relationship. "Oh, she doesn't tidy the home carefully" or "Oh, he doesn't buy me stuffs." Things which barely ticked the scales of the down side of your emotions a while back.
It is not so much of what your spouse is doing or becoming in marriage, it is you losing more of what you have. Love seems easy at the beginning, and married couples would readily attest to that, because primarily love begins from an emotional level. Nothing wrong with infatuations, attraction and excitement, it's all part of the package, and how dearly many marriages need those spices to see how wonderful in imperfections their spouse is. But as you forge ahead in your relationship, you'll realize that the spices doesn't make the whole pot of soup. Love requires commitment and that's where ignorance makes us watch our relationship slip and disintegrate. "He is different from the man I married" or "Now I am seeing who you truly are" comments we credit to an awakening but which as a matter of honesty is an emblem of blindness.
You have to progress and advance your relationship from just emotional attachments to commitment to one another. If you don't, remember emotions are spices and does not make the whole. Do you know that spices are most time 1:7 or 1:5 of what a meal is made of? In no particular order, commitment and sense of responsibility must outweigh the spices (emotional feel goods). "I love you because I feel this way about you but I would keep loving you without causing you hurt or pain," "What you did hurt me badly because I feel this way right now but this is my home and since I chose you, I have to live with it," that is the harmony, feelings ratio commitment. Frankly, one thing this romantic generation, age & time need to know is that, where emotions alone cannot keep a marriage relationship commitment alone can. That is a secret elderly couples know so well. Love is not represented only in the emotions but doubly represented in the Will (domain of actions and decisions).
However, Emotions and the Will makes a successful marriage and home. One cannot be substituted for the other. Emotions will hide things you really don't like about your spouse but the Will helps you stick with your partner when you see those things you don't like which were once hidden.
Do people change in marriage? No, people are who they were before they marry. Does marriage change people? Yes, It can, either for the good or bad. We can be disappointed about our marriage, our crumbling expectations (Pandora box) but primarily how we react to the circumstances in marriage changes us.What change do we dread in marriage? That the perspective of the one we saw and married may change, and also, that we may not be loved and valued like we would want to be. Should you be afraid or worried about marrying? No my dear, fear never get anything done.
Comments