Talk Sex With Teens Before Someone Else Does

In a world where internet connection disconnect family ties, where eroticism is projected into the minds of children, parents are struggling to hold a special place in the hearts of their young ones, struggling not just to talk but communicate with  their children. Lots of kids are becoming more enclosed to their immediate environment while opening themselves to the world beyond their homes.
Let us not keep it a ‘carpet talk,’ these are trying times to raise a child. An obviously frustrated woman said, “My daughter does not listen anymore?” I answered, "She does, but not to you. In fact, I believe she is doing more listening than you are aware of."

You have to realise that times have changed, children are growing in a society and culture constantly defined by relativism. Therefore, with utmost carefulness parents must change how they view and approach the relationship with their children and must above all help them with clues so they can find meaning and balance in the society. How can you effectively reach out to your kids without being their enemy? How do you earn their trust and be their best friend? How can you help them understand they are living in a world constantly changing? But most importantly why is it necessary to discuss sex with them?

In a survey in the United States of America it was shockingly stated, “An average thirteen year old may not be a virgin.” What does it imply? Simply that many teenagers are equipped with adequate and rather explicit information to engage in sex. Not only that, they are excessively bold to engage in the act without any conscience of morality. Parents have been relieved of the solemn responsibility to guide and prepare their young ones for the covenant relationship of sex which ought to occur later on in their lives in the confines of a marriage relationship. Can I say that in a blunt manner? Now teenagers have sex experts offering them tips and guidance on sexual relationships without your knowledge.

If parents talk about the topic of sex to their adolescent child of today, if that child be bluntly outspoken, those parents may be shocked to death that he/she may reply, "I know what sex is and what it means. No need to sweat mom and dad, I had a great sex with the neighbour next door last week, it is not as bad as you make it sound, just so you don't worry it was a protected sex." While this might seem an exaggeration, a widow shockingly disclosed to me that her 15 year old daughter was having a sexual relationship with her next door neighbour and she was the last person in the neighbourhood to know of the demoralizing affair. She said the climax of it all was that her daughter did not try to deny it and the neighbour wasn’t ashamed when she confronted them both. This is a perfect scenario of the world as it is now.

You need to know that your children are not naïve. My candid advice is that you don’t treat them as one. Approach your children with the social psychology that they might have masked parents somewhere. If you are not sincere, practical and tactical in answering their questions Google or any other search engine would answer your child’s questions sincerely, bluntly and even suggestively either by using images to buttress its point or referring them to other websites depending on their curiosity drive. The enormous weight of the truth facing parents of this century could best be understood when we know that many kids are replacing their parents with search engines and many parents do not even know they have been replaced by computer software. Have your child ever talked about sex with you or the physical changes occurring with him/her?

To be sincere means you recognise and accept that your children stumble across nude pictures while they surf the internet as you do. They see erotic adverts on television as do you. They walk the streets seeing women with exposed cleavages and (terribly) they see males & females with exposed bums as do you. They can be sexually aroused as do you. You struggle in keeping out certain images, songs or thoughts out of your mind like they do. You know certain people who talk dirty and filthy around you and it’s not an alienable circumstance for your children too. Considering all these is what I refer to as being sincere as a parent, not to dismiss the truth that they are not exempted from the challenges noticeable in the society.

The practical side is that they need not feel they are weird or try do things that make them society approved, they need not carry the burdens of the time alone. You have to carry that burden together with them. The first approach after sincerity is to discuss the topic of sex with your child. In 2014, a popular cartoon series ‘Sponge Bob’ aired one of its episode on Nickelodeon with a scene where the picture frame of a naked woman with her breasts exposed hanged on the wall. I remember a man recounting the experience after watching that episode with his kid, "I almost wept before my little son as I was forced to explain what he saw and what it means; the physical differences between a male and female to him at such tender age." Imagine what becomes of a world where such images are projected into the hearts of mostly four & five year olds, a world where the minds of little kids are graphically abused daily, a world where Cartoons are no longer safe for children to watch alone.

I agree this is not the best of times to be a parent but it is the only time you have to prepare your children for the future, especially teenage years. Either actively or passively the media is writing a cultural code into the minds of your children and mine that if we do not do anything about it now it would define the world they’ll live in. Imagine a world where your children only know history through fictional novels, where Kim kardashian is mentoring girls on how to get hooked to the right man by sending nude pictures of herself to the opposite sex, a world where parents are projected in movies as fun spoilers. This is not so much difficult to imagine because it is already happening and that world is now.

There are ten steps I believe would help parents know how to relate with their children in a culture symbolized by sex and also allow them to be parts of the lives of their kids, these two must definitely go hand in hand:

Truth Therapy

You don't need to lie to your teenage kids about sex or any aspects of it to protect them. The greatest protection you can offer your teenage child is the truth. Don’t tell them mere fables, sex is not fictional! It is a reality all around them. Let them know sex is not wrong as long as the question of “When” is put in perspective. You can start by asking them if they have heard the word “Sex” before, where they heard it from and what it means to them.

Identity and Adaptation

Prepare and equip your children for teenage years by teaching them to identify different parts of their body including their genitals and how to care for them. You need to let them know how to cope with their growth.Try explaining to them that physical change is normal during puberty and they would feel sexually aroused during this period.

Table Reality Apologetically

Ask your children especially males how they feel around people with indecent dressing and try to know how they respond. Explain to them that arousal is not wrong in itself except if they deliberately arouse themselves by their imaginations or with the aid of pornography.

Realistic Defence

Don't tell your child to walk the streets covering their eyes with their hands. Teenagers know that there is a need to exercise self-control. They can walk away from someone who dresses exposing sensitive parts of the body. They have the moral obligation to look away by fixing their eyes in the opposite direction of that person and keeping it that way, you need to let them know their eyes are gates to their souls. They can also distract their minds by reflecting on things they have heard or read against immoral dressing.

Psychological consequences

Teenagers (especially males) may likely experience wet dreams (dreams about sexual encounters that may lead to ejaculating physically) many feel guilty after such experience. They might be scared to discuss such issue with you especially when they are from a religious home. It would mean much to them if you can start a discussion with them on this. Help them understand Cause and Effects and Choices and Responsibility (CE-CR) in regulating what they watch, read or listen to, else the consequences is that their minds become obsessed with sex. Don’t just tell them to stop watching certain TV programmes but explain to them the effects and do not set double standards, you are a role model.

Ethics of Relating

Female teens would easily recognise many older opposite sex would be drawn to them as a result of the changes in their body. You need not be the last person that notices that attention. They need to know how to relate with the opposite sex of all age brackets. E.g. they must not sit too close with the opposite sex in private so it doesn’t result to unintended suggestiveness. They should not wonder the night alone and they must never allow the opposite sex hold them in an intimate way. They can also filter the attention to a minimum by dressing decently without exposing their chest-armpit region especially for those who are busty. Mothers can teach female teens ethics on how to sit with legs closed, to use their hands to brush the backside of their skirt length before sitting when they are wearing a skirt. Males should not wonder around the house naked or walk into the room of females without knocking and awaiting a reply.

Emotional Security

Sadly most parents ignore this crucial aspect of maturing into adulthood. Changes are not only occurring physically but as well in the minds and emotions of your children. Be courteous to them and teach them to be courteous to others. Don’t abuse your child or tag them names rather reprove them and help them build their self-esteem. Note their fears and help them improve on it. Beware of the black sheep syndrome. Do not embarrass them before their peers. Talk to them about topics like shame, decency, dignity, honour and self-worth. Constantly teach them on the wide divide between love and sex, explain other concepts of infatuation, and affection with them. These are security against emotional exploitation (especially for female teens).

Atmosphere of Love

Be the first to express and demonstrate love to your children before someone with a twisted motive does. Let your children be assured of your love and time. Be concerned about what is happening to them and how their day went. Watch out for mood swings especially for loneliness and boredom and try to know the source of their excitements as well. A female child would probably be enticed with gifts from an outsider if you don't or has never bought her gifts. Treat them to be special so any attention coming from outside wouldn't be categorised as special but rather a desperate measure of an attention seeker.

Mutual Bonding

Create a "MeU" time with your kids from time to time, individually do some things together or go somewhere together just for leisure. Find out what they enjoy doing and do it with them. You might be surprise by the results of this. Openness begets openness. It is not only your kids that should share their challenges with you. You must do same with them. It creates room for your children to note that not only do you recognize they are gradually stepping into maturity but you trust in them to take the right kinds of decision. This helps their self-confidence and their willing openness on other aspects of their lives.

“At first, art imitates life. Then life will imitate art. Then life will find its very existence from the arts.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

Culture Relevant

Get acclimatized with the entertainment industry, this is very important. Since, entertainment is now a cultural mould for your kids. This would help you relate easily with them on issues but also it gives you the platform to help them understand the theme of fun, what it is and what its not. You can suggest to your children the coolest movie or music without being seen as fun spoiler. Read novels with them, listen to music with them & discuss on the themes of movies with them. What you are doing is you are aiding their reasoning to define what is wrong or right to watch, when to change the channels or what to read.

We are in a generation where parents cannot afford to act as totalitarians but as a diplomatic Democrat. Today, parents have to strip themselves to the ranks of being friends with their kids if they still want to maintain relevance in the lives of their kids.

I know many parents have to go all out to secure the future of their kids, at a time when we are experiencing wear and tear in the economy but what we are experiencing in economy can also be felt in socio-cultural values. Before you can secure the future of your kids you need to secure their present. It is the present that will help them settle in the future. It is now a necessity in the time we live to discuss sensitive issues like sex and morality with your children. You cannot pretend or ignore the importance of these and wake up one day to realise you lost your children to technology and entertainment which now shape their world.